Choices

A simple principle that I apply every day is the following: "I am the sum total of all the choices that I have made during my lifetime." Others are not responsible for who I am. It may be true that many people try to manipulate, control, and victimize you in any way they can. However, there would be fewer victims if people would stop playing role of the victim in their relationships with other people. I believe that you get treated the way you teach people to treat you. If you are treated badly by other people, ask yourself, "What is there about me that I allow others to treat me in this manner?" You can then look into yourself for the answers.

My teaching and lectures are a reflection of who and what I am. I am not interested in just handling my life; coping; getting along. I believe that one should try to master one's life. Have a mission--a purpose--and be a model for other people. Act it, be it, for actions speak louder than words.

Rather than talking about neurosis, depression, and all of the negative things that afflict people, choose to focus on the positive things. Choose to focus on what you have, rather than what you are lacking. Choose a path that allows you to be at peace with yourself. Live in the here and now, so you can appreciate each moment of your life as you live it.

The Need To Believe

An inherent need of human beings is to have a belief system. But very few of us believe in ourselves. If we insist upon believing in something, as our natural tendencies compel us to do, let us believe in ourselves as individuals.

We must look within ourselves for the meaning of life, our own individual life, for where can we, or should we, look? Life contains only the quality and meaning that we as individuals choose to give it. In essence, there is no real meaning to life except that which we, as individuals, give it.

Individuals must think for themselves or they are no longer individuals. If they allow others to do their thinking for them, then they do not contribute their own unique perspective(s) to our society. They are merely members of the crowd.

My desire is to further the reaches of human nature and the total development of the human spirit to the point of self-actualization. We have the power to accomplish this within ourselves; we only need to choose to do so.

A Presence And A Potential, Part 2

What is loving yourself? Perhaps the best answer comes from learning what it is not.

It is not egotism or conceit. It is not telling the world to admire you. It is not an advertising campaign. Those behaviors are theatrical, invented, and only convince the naïve. Observant people will quickly recognize such attempts to win attention and approval for what they are. A pose cannot substitute for poise. The results you strive for, respect and self-respect, can not come from such methods.

Self-Deprecation is another behavior that will not work. It will only lead to self-contempt, because it is a behavior motivated by the desire to gain attention. It is merely another attempt to gain the spotlight, to be "center-stage." This is true even if the audience is only one person, and even when the reaction is unfavorable. It is destructive in another way, as well. If it started out as some sort of game to fool people into recognizing your "obvious" virtues by comparing them to your equally "obvious" flaws, your insincerity will soon be detected. In a short time the very people you wish to impress will begin to distrust you in other matters and judgements.

Self-pity is another easy way to let yourself down. In effect, you are saying to yourself and to others that you are not equal to the job of living. When you say "Poor me. The world takes advantage of me," you are really saying, "I don’t think enough of myself to take care of myself. The world ought to do it for me." The world, in its turn, is perfectly willing to accept your own assessment and reply: "You don’t think very much of yourself? Perhaps you are right!"

Nothing succeeds better
than accepting yourself as you are,
a person with presence and potential.

Your presence and your potential are really the same thing. You are living NOW. In this day. This hour. This minute. This second. Yesterday is a settled debt. Whether it is paid in full or only in part, you will not receive anything more from it. Tomorrow is an I.O.U., a non-negotiable promissory note that exists only "on paper." The only real time you have to work with is Today.

As you live through Today you make decisions that will affect your life. And making decisions is unavoidable. Even deciding not to make a decision is a decision – a decision not to change.

The most important decision you can make is to care about yourself.

That is the first decision!

That is the big decision! You must say to yourself something like "I need me. I am the only me I’ve got. My life affects other lives. I, therefore, am going to be the best I can be for myself and for the world. I am going to be the sculptor of my individuality. I will discover my talents and then I will not hide my talents. Rather, I will invest my talents wisely. I am going to dismiss the clouds that surround me so that I can let my light be seen."

Who are you? The answer to that is the answer to some other questions: How do you define yourself? Who do you want to be? What will you do to achieve that goal? Only you can answer these questions. Remember, you are "given" very little: your height, the color of your skin, your gender are unchangeable for the most part. But almost everything else is chosen. Externally you can now choose your weight, your hair color, the shape of your nose, even the color of your eyes thanks to contact lenses. Of far greater importance, you can choose things like a caring disposition and a kind heart. You have to see your potential and become the sculptor of your individuality.

Michaelangelo made his magnificent sculpture of David out of materials that had been rejected by other sculptors. What they saw was imperfect stone he saw as the raw material of a masterpiece because he took the time to truly examine it. Will you reject the material you are made of before you have investigated it with a truly open mind? The other sculptors saw only the limitations in the stone. But the limitations weren’t in the stone. The limitations were in their imaginations, their experiences, their vision. Michaelangelo didn’t even see the stone. He saw the figure inside the stone waiting to be released. He was a great artist. So must you be. You can never be Michaelangelo. But, remember, he could never be you, either.

Life is an ever changing scene. Little choices, made in an instant, can have a profound effect. An engineer moves a pencil a hair off in drawing his plans and a road goes to the wrong town. You are the engineer of your road of fate. Your every decision can make a big difference in who you are, who you want to be, and most important of all = the reality of your situation.

I remember seeing a little sign once. It said something like" "I must be great, ‘cause God don’t make no junk!" Another sign I saw, which should go right next to the first is: "Be patient, God’s not finished with me yet." In both cases I saw the signs in places where they were obviously meant to be read by children. But we must never stop being in a sense like children. We must always be open, eager, and ready to live. We must always bear in mind that we are "not finished, yet." The potential for growth is never-ending unless we shut the door on ourselves and block the way.

Even as we hold on to the spirit of being a child in certain ways, so, too, must we be good parents to ourselves. A good parent recognizes dangers a child may not see and grasps opportunities a child might miss. A good parent loves the child for itself and its individuality, guiding it without stifling the spirit of adventure, fun and creativity, and the channeling it out of unsafe expression. A good parent does not overprotect but is there to dust off the child after a spill and set him on the right track, again, and again, and again.

When the ever-learning, ever-striving, child in us appears to fail, we must see the failure through our parental eyes and pick ourselves up and start again. A baby learning to walk does not see the inevitable falls as failure. To the baby, falling down is not something to stand in the way of learning. On the contrary, it is part of the basic learning process of standing up. Just as we must be innocent with ourselves, so must we be persistent.

We are not ever, any of us, completely "finished" – not as long as we are alive Today.

The above is an excerpt from It's Yours For The Asking, by Dr. Oscar Bekoff

Second Edition Copyright 1999 Dr. Oscar Bekoff

All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced, in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author. Address inquiries to Oscar Bekoff, Ph. D., Litt. D..

A Presence And A Potential, Part 1

Section II Chapter 1: A Presence and A Potential
An excerpt from It's Yours For The Asking, by Dr. Oscar Bekoff

Second Edition Copyright 1999 Dr. Oscar Bekoff

All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced, in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author. Address inquiries to Oscar Bekoff, Ph. D., Litt. D..

In order to understand yourself you must know yourself. In order to know yourself you must spend time with yourself. But many of us are taught that looking at ourselves is vanity, and vanity is not a virtue. Wasn’t Narcissis punished by the gods when he became so enamored of his own reflection that he stared at it to the exclusion of all else? And don’t we see this as a warning against self-importance, self-absorption? This is the standard interpretation of the story and, because it is an overly simplified one, a wrong interpretation of it.

The sin of Narcissis was not that he examined himself too much, but that he examined himself too little. By staring at his reflection he saw only his surface beauty and nothing of who and what he truly was. To put it another way, Narcissis was punished not for what he was looking at, but for what he refused to look at. He was looking at the right object, himself, but from the wrong perspective. He was looking outward instead of inward. When we look outward at our own reflections we see only what we want to see. When we look inward we see not only what we want to see but also what we would rather not see. Sometimes we see things that frighten, shame or embarrass us, usually because we are measuring ourselves against some arbitrary standard of perfection that leaves us lacking.

The fact is no one is totally flawed and no one is perfect. Indeed, who is to decide what is perfect or what is flawed?

Is a Beethoven Symphony perfect? Then all of Mozart is flawed. Did Leonardo Da Vinci achieve perfection? Then what of Michaelangelo? Perfection is an absolute. Any deviation from the absolute is not perfection. Any definition of perfection, since it must be made by imperfect people, must be imperfect.

I had a friend who was not the most physically prepossessing of men. He was about five and a half feet tall, weighted close to two hundred pounds and had a nose that could, if painted green, have been mistaken for a large cucumber. Moreover, he was often loud and opinionated. Nevertheless, he was a happy man and a good companion. Often, in a jesting way, he would refer to himself as "a perfect person." Then he would pause and with only a small hint of mockery add, "Don’t be so sure that what I am isn’t perfection. And if it is, where does that leave the rest of you?"

So we must realize before we begin to examine ourselves that no man or woman is, or can be, perfect. But each of us has within us the potential to approach our own perfection, if we seek it out and are not afraid of what we will find when we look . . . Really look!

What if what you see when you really look at yourself seems inadequate?

The first thing to do is consider on what basis you are evaluating yourself. Is it on your own basis, or on the basis of the way you think others see you? It is not uncommon for our perception of someone else’s perception of us to be way off the mark. One of the easiest things to do is to misinterpret the words and actions of others, especially when you are ignorant of their own interpretations of their words and actions.

We all know the phrase, "Well, speak of the devil!" To most of us it is a humorous greeting that shows both welcome and a certain kinship between the speaker and the person greeted. But what if you hadn’t heard of it before and were unaware of its present meaning? It would be easy enough to misinterpret the phrase as a negative or derogatory one.

How, then, should you react?

The best tactic would be to stay any action until you can clarify to yourself the situation. Try not to get angry. Be friendly. In a short time even the least observant of us would be able to interpret the situation and, hence, the meaning behind the words.

It is equally vital that while you are interpreting the situation’s external circumstances you evaluate your own, possibly changed, internal situation. Are you evaluating events from today’s circumstances or are you seeing a "you" that may be part of an old world, a world to which you no longer belong?

A woman I knew was very concerned with physical appearance. Being grossly overweight, she felt unattractive, and her actions and attitudes reflected that. One day, in a burst of self-pride, she decided to do something about her physical image. She spent many months on dieting and exercise plans. She lost weight and became a sleek and outwardly beautiful person by certain "movie star" standards. For sometime she appeared to be a changed happy person. The compliments she received on her new "image" delighted her.

But after the novelty wore off, her friends stopped complimenting her. They merely accepted the change and moved on to other things. She, however, perceived the dwindling compliments as a direct rejection. She began to perceive herself as the person she had been. And, of course, she was right. Not that she gained any more weight. She lost the physical weight when it was the mental weight that was the real problem.

When ever you change you must examine all that change brings about. When you leave an old world you must learn the new one.

It is now time to love yourself and not demand the love of others. The love of others cannot be taken. It is not yours to demand. It is only theirs to give. Don’t worry about it. Consider the new-born baby. It is loved solely because it is loveable. It contributes nothing to its environment except its presence and potential, yet it is loved. It does not win love or even earn love. It simply is. And because it is what it is, it is loved. That can be true for you, too. It starts with loving yourself.

Love Is An Inner Concept

When you send it out to the Universe it will come back:
"I love you, I bless you."

Love is an abstract idea unless it is expressed. We may talk about love and define love, but still not be loving. Break down the barriers: love the persons, the situations, and the circumstances that irritate you and/or baffle you. Silently bless the person who seems to rub you the wrong way. Let your thought be, "I love you, I bless you." He may not change, but you will change your reaction to him. To the person who seems to stand in the way of your good, who seems to be a threat to your security and success, let love cast out fear.

"I love you, I bless you."

Put love into action; be loving. Erase differences with love and turn aside resentment with love.

By practicing the above, you will strengthen your self-love. It is the key to a transformed life.

Humanity Towards Self

Many people, despite their compassion for underprivileged people, and regardless of their ability to understand the problems of their neighbors, fail to exercise the same compassion and understanding towards themselves. These same people may even feel for the frailties and blunders of people they have never met. Yet, confronted with their own human failings, they are inhumane toward themselves. There is no other word for it but inhumane.

When you stammer during a business conversation, do you forgive yourself?

When you burn the toast or make ten-minute eggs instead of soft-boiled eggs, do you forgive yourself?

When you misplace or lose a ten-dollar bill, do you forgive yourself?

When you forget an appointment, do you forgive yourself?

When your day goes wrong and you lose your temper and shout and scream, do you forgive yourself?

You must learn to be humane toward yourself, to forgive yourself for your shortcomings, or your success mechanism will not function and you will attain no goals that will be really satisfying.

Success and self-debasement cannot live together. They are enemies, not partners.

When you rub the sleep out of your eyes and sit up in bed, tell yourself, "Today I will act with humanity toward self."

Self Love / Self Observation

Self Love

How do you define self-love? Do you see it as boastful behavior motivated by a desire to gain the acceptance or esteem of others? Or, do you see self-love as a form of obnxious behavior akin to ego-mania? Nothing could be further from the truth. Self-love has nothing to do with telling everyone how wonderful you are. Such behavior often indicates that the individuals in question are evaluating themselves on how others see them. If they were not, they would not feel the need to convince others of their merit. No, this is not self-love. In fact, this behavior may be just as neurotic as the behavior of the individual who is overloaded with self-contempt.

Self love means accepting yourself as a worthy person. It means you love yourself regardless of the opinions of other people. Self love does not demand the love of others. An internal acceptance is sufficient.

When you never, knowingly, say or do anything that will harm yourself or another person you will be experiencing self-love.

Self Observation

A. Do you ever speak disparangingly of any religion?

B. Do you correct others for errors of speech, statements or manners?

C. Are you occasionally sarcastic?

D. Do you interrupt when others are talking?

E. Do you play childish practical jokes?

F. Do you point out flaws in dress or features to others?

G. Do you contradict persons you converse with?

H. Do you talk more than others you are with?

I. Do you make derogatory statements about any race?

J. Do you laugh at people caught in embarrassing situations?

K. Do you refrain from asking personal questions?

L. Do you go out of your way to be helpful to others?

M. Do you rarely ask favors?

N. Are you free with your thanks for small courtesies?

0. Do you habitually do thoughtful little things for others?

P. Do you show respect for others in speech and action?

Q. Do you reveal a sincere interest in the interests of others?

R. Do you invariably respect the privacy of others?

S. Do you compliment others on their little victories without undue flattery?

T. Do you ever say, "You're wrong about that."?

U. Do you ever say, "How anyone can take a view such as yours is beyond me."?

V. Do you ever say, "That's impossible! That's out of the picture!"?

W. Do you ever say, "I am an expert and know more about it than you do."?

X. Do you ever say, "I am wrong and you are right."?

Y. Do you ever help others to feel important by asking them for favors that are easy for them to do, thereby showing them that you need and depend on them?

Z. Do you listen to and laugh at jokes without revealing that you have heard them before?

A Personal Stance

I am a happy man.
I have found a fulfilling purpose for my life.
I am a teacher, I am a nurturer, I am a counselor.
These are my professional roles, acquired over many years. Combined with my role as husband, father, and grandfather, these roles define myself.

I have achieved octogenarian status, which I consider no great achievement in and of itself. What I consider more relevant is that I have reached my eighties still energetic and more enthusiastic than ever.

My personal and professional experiences have shown me that any person is capable of reaching a high level of mental and physical health. When I say that "It's Yours for the Asking," I strongly believe that if you really want to achieve a superior state of living each and every day, ask for it, and then go after it. You can decide to work, one day at a time, on adopting a philosophy of life that will bring you the greatest amount of fulfillment and happiness, regardless of your circumstances and regardless of the problems that you have encountered until today.

I believe that, if I can help people to accept and love themselves just a little bit more, then they will be able to discover the resources within themselves, their internal physicians. This page is an adaptation from my book, It's Your For The Asking, which is a "text" for your internal physician. It is, if you will, an introduction to the Bekoff therapeutic method called Intra-persona Therapy.

Intra-persona Therapy is your personal application of a variety of proven and accepted approaches, "prescriptions," and remedies, to experiences, situations, relationships, and personality characteristics that may be causing problems in your life, or preventing you from attaining ultimate personal fulfillment. Often without realizing it, many people have successfully applied particular elements of this therapy to achieve new levels of personal awareness, serenity, peace of mind, and continuing happiness. Through these pages you will come to understand these elements, and through this understanding, you will learn to take control of your inner self, and in so doing destroy the barriers that cause emotional pain and inhibit your personal growth. With this discovery, you can continue to grow independently, in health and well-being, for all of your days.

I believe in a Universal Principle--my name for what others may call God. This Universal Principle intends that we discover, realize, and appreciate ourselves and others. I believe in the uniqueness of each individual, and that this uniqueness was intended and designed by the Universal Principle.

When I am not reading I talk and listen. I listen to the great and famous minds of the world and I listen to simple, everyday wisdom. I remind the reader that I give credit to the famous and anonymous for their words and ideas that I have adopted.

You can discover yourself!
You can keep discovering yourself!
You can become what the Universal Principle intended!
I firmly believe that what I say can free your mind and bring you joy--NOW!