A Presence And A Potential, Part 1

Section II Chapter 1: A Presence and A Potential
An excerpt from It's Yours For The Asking, by Dr. Oscar Bekoff

Second Edition Copyright 1999 Dr. Oscar Bekoff

All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced, in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author. Address inquiries to Oscar Bekoff, Ph. D., Litt. D..

In order to understand yourself you must know yourself. In order to know yourself you must spend time with yourself. But many of us are taught that looking at ourselves is vanity, and vanity is not a virtue. Wasn’t Narcissis punished by the gods when he became so enamored of his own reflection that he stared at it to the exclusion of all else? And don’t we see this as a warning against self-importance, self-absorption? This is the standard interpretation of the story and, because it is an overly simplified one, a wrong interpretation of it.

The sin of Narcissis was not that he examined himself too much, but that he examined himself too little. By staring at his reflection he saw only his surface beauty and nothing of who and what he truly was. To put it another way, Narcissis was punished not for what he was looking at, but for what he refused to look at. He was looking at the right object, himself, but from the wrong perspective. He was looking outward instead of inward. When we look outward at our own reflections we see only what we want to see. When we look inward we see not only what we want to see but also what we would rather not see. Sometimes we see things that frighten, shame or embarrass us, usually because we are measuring ourselves against some arbitrary standard of perfection that leaves us lacking.

The fact is no one is totally flawed and no one is perfect. Indeed, who is to decide what is perfect or what is flawed?

Is a Beethoven Symphony perfect? Then all of Mozart is flawed. Did Leonardo Da Vinci achieve perfection? Then what of Michaelangelo? Perfection is an absolute. Any deviation from the absolute is not perfection. Any definition of perfection, since it must be made by imperfect people, must be imperfect.

I had a friend who was not the most physically prepossessing of men. He was about five and a half feet tall, weighted close to two hundred pounds and had a nose that could, if painted green, have been mistaken for a large cucumber. Moreover, he was often loud and opinionated. Nevertheless, he was a happy man and a good companion. Often, in a jesting way, he would refer to himself as "a perfect person." Then he would pause and with only a small hint of mockery add, "Don’t be so sure that what I am isn’t perfection. And if it is, where does that leave the rest of you?"

So we must realize before we begin to examine ourselves that no man or woman is, or can be, perfect. But each of us has within us the potential to approach our own perfection, if we seek it out and are not afraid of what we will find when we look . . . Really look!

What if what you see when you really look at yourself seems inadequate?

The first thing to do is consider on what basis you are evaluating yourself. Is it on your own basis, or on the basis of the way you think others see you? It is not uncommon for our perception of someone else’s perception of us to be way off the mark. One of the easiest things to do is to misinterpret the words and actions of others, especially when you are ignorant of their own interpretations of their words and actions.

We all know the phrase, "Well, speak of the devil!" To most of us it is a humorous greeting that shows both welcome and a certain kinship between the speaker and the person greeted. But what if you hadn’t heard of it before and were unaware of its present meaning? It would be easy enough to misinterpret the phrase as a negative or derogatory one.

How, then, should you react?

The best tactic would be to stay any action until you can clarify to yourself the situation. Try not to get angry. Be friendly. In a short time even the least observant of us would be able to interpret the situation and, hence, the meaning behind the words.

It is equally vital that while you are interpreting the situation’s external circumstances you evaluate your own, possibly changed, internal situation. Are you evaluating events from today’s circumstances or are you seeing a "you" that may be part of an old world, a world to which you no longer belong?

A woman I knew was very concerned with physical appearance. Being grossly overweight, she felt unattractive, and her actions and attitudes reflected that. One day, in a burst of self-pride, she decided to do something about her physical image. She spent many months on dieting and exercise plans. She lost weight and became a sleek and outwardly beautiful person by certain "movie star" standards. For sometime she appeared to be a changed happy person. The compliments she received on her new "image" delighted her.

But after the novelty wore off, her friends stopped complimenting her. They merely accepted the change and moved on to other things. She, however, perceived the dwindling compliments as a direct rejection. She began to perceive herself as the person she had been. And, of course, she was right. Not that she gained any more weight. She lost the physical weight when it was the mental weight that was the real problem.

When ever you change you must examine all that change brings about. When you leave an old world you must learn the new one.

It is now time to love yourself and not demand the love of others. The love of others cannot be taken. It is not yours to demand. It is only theirs to give. Don’t worry about it. Consider the new-born baby. It is loved solely because it is loveable. It contributes nothing to its environment except its presence and potential, yet it is loved. It does not win love or even earn love. It simply is. And because it is what it is, it is loved. That can be true for you, too. It starts with loving yourself.